How to Make Time for an Abundant Sex Life
How to make time for an abundant sex life
ABUNDANT sex life? Really?
Time? What is that?
After a day of chasing children, working all day outside the home, working all day from home, cleaning house, health issues of your own, caring for a family member with health issues, you name it – Ladies, we are TIRED.
Believe me, I get it.
Go back to the beginning.
My married friend – why am I talking to you about making time for your sex life?
Simply put, because you need to.
If you are married, sex is meant to be part of the equation. Scripture lays it out in very plain language that the husband and wife are meant to be enjoying sex. The Old Testament shows this is multiple places. In the New Testament, Jesus teaches about sexual fidelity and Paul teaches bluntly that sex is a duty that must be fulfilled within marriage. Song of Solomon teaches us that sexual intimacy is something to be reserved for marriage and eagerly anticipated in the waiting. So as not to reteach all of that – go check out the post To the Married – Should You Be Having Sex?
Should you be having sex with your husband? Yes.
Today, I want to talk about steps to help you to accomplish this.
Note: If you are not married, then this post is not written directly to you. Helene over at MaidservantsofChrist has a great post written especially for you today. Check it out here – What Do You Mean “No sex”?. Helene also has an excellent post about whether or not sex is for the single person here – Should I Be Having Sex?
However – if you may be married one day, the practical tips I will cover can be put to use in other ways before marriage and in other ways. So, you are very welcome to keep reading.
Before we go further. Let’s talk about that word “abundant”.
This simply means to have plenty of whatever thing you are talking about. It does not mean that your abundance will look like someone else’s abundant. It also does not mean having too much of something. Abundance is found when your needs are met.
What is “plenty” for you and your spouse does not need to look like the “plenty” of another marriage. It most certainly does not need to look like the “plenty” that the world pushes through television programs, movies, and books.
The world’s definition is NOT God’s definition.
An abundant sex life is what you and your spouse agree that it is. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 says that needs are to be met (so abundant doesn’t mean non-existent) and that through discussion times of abstinence may be appropriate (but keep it short).
Now – let’s get to the practical stuff.
How to make time for an abundant sex life.
I have four steps that you can do to help to make sure that your relationship with your spouse is what it should be.
1. Trust God’s Way
You are married.
You love your husband.
God has given you many things to take care of as woman, wife, and mother.
Whether you are the woman who struggles to find interest to match her husband’s or the woman who struggles because her husband’s interest is not as strong as your own – God’s way will work for you and your marriage.
God’s will is full of good gifts for us. Things that will only do us good. By our matching our will to His will, we are going to benefit. Even if difficult times come, there is still benefit and growth (1 Tim. 6:17; James 1:16-18).
The marriage relationship is consecrated by God. It is a good thing. A blessing to us.
The sexual intimacy that is only to be found in marriage is also consecrated by God. He designed your body to need it and to enjoy it. Sex is not meant to be a burden, it is a gift (Heb. 13:4).
If you will trust God, trust Him with your marriage – in the bedroom and out. Our ways are not God’s ways (Is. 55:8). Our wisdom is foolishness when it is separate from God’s wisdom (1 Cor. 1:18-21; Prov. 1:20-29). If there is an improvement to be made in your marriage, then trust God’s way to accomplish it. Get your own doubts and wisdom out of the way (James 1:5-8).
2. Pray about it.
1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, “pray without ceasing”.
Colossians 3:17 says, “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.” Whatever you do. Your marriage falls into that category (see Col. 3:18-21).
When Hannah prayed for a child, she was praying that her sexual relationship with her husband bears fruit, literally (1 Sam. 1:9-11).
When the people and the elders prayed to bless Ruth’s marriage to Boaz by praying that Ruth would be like Rachel and Leah, they were praying for Ruth and Boaz to have success in their intimate relationship (Ruth 4:11). Praying for babies is really praying for the whole process!
If you are struggling to meet your husband’s needs or your own needs are not being met – PRAY ABOUT IT. God made you. The Creator of all things knows how these things should work. Tell Him about your fears, your concerns, your uncertainty.
As a part “b” to this step, I would add. Study about it. Study marriages in scripture. Pay attention to how their relationships are described. Read Proverbs 5:15-21. Read Song of Solomon. Read 1 Corinthians 7 and Ephesians 5. And then keep reading. There is so much on this topic in scripture – educate yourself more. Make sure that what you think to be true on the matter matches up with God’s word.
3. Be aware of what gets in the way.
Life happens. You do have other things that also need your attention. Reading Proverbs 31:10-31 shows us just how many things we are called upon to care for. Titus 2:3-5 and 1 Timothy 5:14-16 gives us another picture.
Sex is not the ONLY concern, but it is to be a concern (1 Cor. 7:34). It cannot be ignored (1 Cor. 7:2-5).
So, how do we make sure that it is taken care of? By making it a priority! Just as you might put going to the grocery store, taking the kids to the park, and doing laundry on your to-do list, put private time with your husband on it too!
When your house is out of control and kids are out of control – your energy is going to drain fast. If you are always trying to play “catch up”, you are going to drop something.
Is the problem a lack of interest, for either one of you?
What are the reasons you often give for your lack of interest when your husband comes looking to spend time with you? The kids’ schedule? Your schedule? Are you making time to spend with your other mom friends but not making time to spend with your hard-working hubby? Take a look at your schedule and be aware of what is eating up your time and your energy. Then move to step 4.
4. Be intentional.
As I mentioned in the last step – put time with your husband on your to-do list. Make sure that it does not get overlooked.
Intentionally schedule time for dates on your calendar. Time alone allows you to discuss things that may be hard to talk about with kids walking in and out of the room. He can talk about his day. You can talk about the budget. It keeps those things from being on your mind when one of you wants to focus on something more intimate.
Put your spouse first before other things.
Send texts or make phone calls to one another during the day, if possible. Just taking the time to talk to one another, even just to say “Hi! I miss you.” can go along way to helping your mind be in a place that is open to intimacy. Sometimes that may even be all that is needed by both of you for you to feel loved, thought of, and attended to.
If you need ideas for getting started on making dates a priority – check out The Dating Divas Date Ideas resources.
Once you have dates on your schedule – make sure that your other activities are not going to get in the way.
It is OK to reduce the number of activities your children participate in. Save your energy! Your kids will be much happier if mom and dad are happier together than they would be getting to play every sport or instrument available to them. Encourage their interests without sacrificing your own (or your spouse’s).
If life is out of control because your children are out of control – meaning you spend energy than should be necessary to do the simplest of things, then open your Bible and learn how to get things under control. Mom and Dad should be able to have quiet time together, no matter how many children populate the house. If you’re not sure where to begin, check out God’s Plan for Parents and To Train Up a Child
Make a schedule for household chores.
Try making Mondays all about laundry, Tuesdays decluttering, Wednesdays dusting, etc. For ideas on how to get a schedule in place, check out Clutter-Free Clean by SimpleEverydayHome or Home Storage Solutions 101 52 Weeks to an Organized Home Challenges.
We divvy up all of the chores between me and the girls. Each day one person’s laundry and whatever towels or bedding need washing get done. Certain girls do certain chores and on certain days. The three oldest girls are each responsible for the kitchen during one meal. One cleans after breakfast, another after lunch, and the third after dinner. This way no one is overwhelmed with too much to do and everything is taken care of. So come 8 pm everyone is ready to relax.
Proverbs 7:15-23 shows the harlot who needs to be avoided. BUT – the problem is who she is and why she is there. Take a page out of her book and give some thought to “setting the stage” for time with your spouse. Say nice things. Kiss him like you mean it. Have your bed made up nicely. Use the power of smells – scripture mentions myrrh (known to encourage interest in these things), aloes (soothing and fresh), and cinnamon (apple pie! Yum!). The saying, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” is a saying for a reason! Conversely, this works too for the one doing the preparation. Our mind knows what to do with the information when we encourage thoughts and actions that lead down a certain road. This is PRECISELY why those thoughts are to be avoided when single, but they are to be encouraged between husband and wife.
Don’t expect perfection of yourself every day in every category!
But, what about when it is hard to be interested?
As with any relationship, grace needs to be given. If circumstances get in the way of your intimate time together, be understanding – but talk about it.
There will be times when it just is not possible to fill these needs. If health issues can be corrected or medications changed to make things easier – talk about it, be understanding, and work together towards the time when those things are not a problem.
If one of you needs to care for an elderly parent, and that takes you away for long stretches of time – be understanding, pray about it, and when you are apart do everything you can to keep temptation from getting in the door.
A lot of times, the struggles can be dealt with just by talking it out and applying some effort to change. Interest improves when more opportunities are taken. Do things for each other outside of the bedroom, so you both already feel cared for when you come to the bedroom.
Make sure that arguments and hurt feelings are dealt with so they don’t fester to the point where anger gets in the way of your attraction for one another.
Even longtime issues can be resolved with love, attention, and talking about each other’s needs.
There is hope that you can have an abundant sex life.
The promise of a passionate relationship that entails physical intimacy as well as an appreciation for the character and work ethic of the other person is shown in Song of Solomon. Ephesians 5 and Colossians 3 expect a relationship that is considerate and intentional. 1 Corinthians 7 demands that the needs of your spouse be put above your own.
The basic principles of Galatians 5:22-23 work in your spiritual walk as well as your physical walk.
If your marriage is defined by
- doing what is in the best interest of one another (agape love)
- expressing and finding joy in your life together
- having peace between you instead of strife
- showing patience towards one another
- showing one another kindness
- being good to each other
- being faithful and trustworthy
- showing gentleness towards each other
- having self-control, both for your desires and giving into your lack of desire
it just will be hard pressed to go wrong.
Wouldn’t you LOVE to be loved by someone who was doing ALL of those things? I bet your husband would too!
The place to begin is with yourself.
Make sure you are doing all you can on your part to facilitate an environment that allows for a sexual relationship as God would have it to be.
There is one area wherein being intoxicated is a GOOD thing – being addicted, exhilarated, or intoxicated with loving your spouse is ENCOURAGED (Prov. 5:19)!
So, what are you waiting for? Go seek ABUNDANCE!